Thursday, August 20, 2009

Carousel

Do you remember that time?

We were still young. You were 12, while I was 10. You took my hand, and led me to the carousel. Side by side, we rode the porcelain horses. You held my hand as we go round and round. I laughed, and you showed me that toothy smile. Your eyes sparkles, it once showed the innocence in our youth. We were happy that time, contented with the life we lived. And I knew right then in my young heart, that I have fallen in love with you.

Years passed by, and you grew to be a handsome young man that all the girls fall in love with. I was a shy nerdy girl whom nobody takes notice of. You were sixteen, I was fourteen. Slowly, we drifted apart. You were too cool to hang out with someone like me, I understand, and I can only look at you from afar. I can only have stolen glances of you, afraid that my eyes would give away what I truly feel for you. The small love I had for you in my heart since I was ten grew gradually each day. For the first time in my life, I had the taste of heartache, and that was when I walked into you and another girl kissing by the hidden corners of the school's corridor. I could still how my heart was breaking that time. I could still remember how salty those bitter tears that fell from my eyes. I ran away from that scene. I ran away, hoping that somehow, it would ease the pain.

But I was wrong.

Each time you pass by my, and give me that warm sunshine smile of yours, I could still my heart breaking. Each time I hear you talking about that girl, how your eyes light up the way it used to light up when I'm with you, my heart becomes heavy.

I decided to go.

I decided to stay away from you.

But why is it that when I try to stay away from you, you follow me like a stray shadow, longing for someone's attention?

You were twenty, I was eighteen.

They said I grew up to be a fine young lady, and the once nerdy and shy girl in me have faded. You were gone for college for quite some time, and then you came back. Still, you had that warm and sunshine smile you give to everyone else. When you speak my name, it felt like a thousand angels were singing above me. You held my hand again, the way you held it when we were at the carousel, as if you will not let me go. And your hand is still as warm as ever. You noticed me now. You noticed how beautiful I've become, and how pretty my eyes were. You sing praises to me, and I thought you have finally opened up your heart for me.

And I was wrong, yet again.

You were 23, I was 21.

You were fresh from college, and about to start to work for your dad. I waited for you for a long time, hoping this time you will say the words I long to hear. But my heart was broken once more when I saw you enter the mansion, with a petite girl beside you. You looked at her lovingly. You smiled only at her. You speak those three words, and I could only watch at you sadly as you kiss her on the lips. You then announced that you were marrying her. I was surprised, frustrated, heartbroken. I came up to you, and wished you happiness. You only smiled at me. You didn't notice my voice faltering as I congratulate you. And then, I turned away... as I walked away from you, the tears started to cascade in my eyes.

I was defeated.

I finally understand that I could never have your love. So I decided to let you go...

Do you still remember that time?

We stood by the old carousel, watching as the old porcelain horses spun around and around. It was a day before your wedding, and you asked me to meet you. You asked me if I still remember those days, those happy moments we remember we had in this carousel.

I paused.

I looked at you, and forced a smile.

Yes, I still remember those times, I said.

Then, I turn, and walk away from you. I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to say I love you. I wanted to ask you to love me back. I wanted to hug you, and kiss you, hoping that with those gestures, you would understand how I feel. I wanted to tell you that I have loved you since we were young, and I long to be with you for the rest of my life.

But I can't.

Because there is someone out there, loving you. And I know you love her. The only left thing to do is let you go, for your happiness...

--

Do you still remember that time?

I asked you that the last time we met in this carousel. You said yes, you remember those times, and then, you turned to leave me. You left without hearing those words I wanted to tell you.

I was twelve, and you were ten. I remember how we happily sat at the back of the porcelain horses. I remember your sweet smiled and melodious laugh. I remember holding your small hand, not wanting to let it go. I knew at that moment, I loved you.

Sometimes, I wonder, what happened to us, why we slowly drifted apart. You were fourteen, and I was sixteen. I was a popular kid in school, and you were the shy one. When I look at you, you turn away from me. When I approach you for a little talk, to turn away from me like a scared little cat. I was frustrated. I wanted to tell you what's in your heart, but I felt that you are rejecting me.

Yes, I saw you when I kissed that girl. You tears caught my eyes. As I pushed the girl away, I tried to follow you, but you have gone from my sight. Since then, you decided to stay away from me, and it broke my heart. The night before I leave before college, I spent it watching over your window, whispering those three words I wanted to tell you. But I guess, you will never hear it anyway.

You turned eighteen, I turned twenty. When I saw you again, you grew up to be a fine young lady. The once shy and nerdy girl I fell in love with have gone. But still, I loved you even more. I love the way you smile shyly at me. I love the way you blush when I tell you how pretty you are. Each time I hold your hand, I wish not to let you go. That moment that we were together, I wanted to tell you what's inside my heart. I wanted to look into your eyes forever, and be lost in it. I wanted you so much that it's breaking my heart. I had to leave you again, and the thought of our distance apart is breaking my heart.

Then, I met a wonderful girl. She was exactly like you. She was as shy, yet as vibrant as you. She had the same smile that brightens my day, exactly the same as your smile. She had the same big black orbs that I wanted to gaze at for a long time. I was twenty three, and you just turned twenty one. I remember the sad look on your face as I introduce her. I remember the forced smile on your lips as you congratulate us for our engagement. You said you're happy for me, but I could hear your voice cracking. You wanted to cry, but you can't let me see the tears in your eyes.

Do you still remember that time?

I asked you to meet me at the carousel. We watched as the old porcelain horses spun around and around. It brought back memories of our childhood, and the feelings I had for you. I asked you if you still remember the last time we were here.

You paused,

And you said, yes, you still remember.

I wanted to say so much more, but you turned away and left me alone. I wanted to run after you, and hug you tight. I wanted to kiss your cherry lips, and tell you that I love you. If you just say those words, then we could be together.

But you chose to give up on me.

And I decided to go on with my life...

And marry the woman who's only a mere shadow of you...

--

I will always remember that time...

I stood before this carousel, tears falling from my eyes. If I had the power, I will turn back the hand of times.

I will embrace you tight.
I will kiss you more.
I wiil hold your hand and never let it go.
I will tell you how much I love you.

But it's too late...

I will never be able to embrace you again. I will never be able to kiss you again. I will never have the chance to hold your small hand. I will never be able to tell you how much I love you...

God took you away from me, and it was on the day I decided to follow my heart.

It was on my wedding day.

I realized I could never be with her, because it was you... it has always been you. When I turn to her, and said that I'm sorry for not marrying her, I turn to rush out of the church. I wanted to chase after you. I thought I wasn't too late yet, that I could still make things right...

But you left me.

You left me forever.

That night, the news of you dying from that car accident came to me. I never felt this much pain in my life before. You left me again, and this time, it's for good. At the thought that I will never see each other again, I could feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I will never be able to see you smiling my way again, or the way you blush at me, or how your eyes light up when I call your name. Loneliness filled my heart, and at the same time, tearing it apart. I spent the whole night crying for your loss. I spent the whole night crying for my unrequited love. I spent the whole night crying my heart out, regretting not being able to let you feel my love for you. I regret not telling those words...

I love you...

And I know you can never hear it anymore.

I will always remember you...

In this carousel...

Because my love for you, like these old porcelain horses will always go on and on...

--

Yes, I will always remember...

That I fell in love with you in this carousel...

Labels: one-shot, Roses